What anorexia is really like
(BASED ON PAST EXPERIENCE)
AS A CONTRAST TO MY “PERSONAL THINSPO” bc really don’t get the wrong idea i regret my EDs with every fiber of my being my personal thinspo is how i try to cope with my sadness and regret and pain
feel free to add on to this list i just ran out of room
- always being cold at school and shivering
- wearing a jacket in the summer. below 20 degrees C and I’ll be wearing a full on coats, warm socks and boots.
- brittle, chipped nails making manicures last longer than 5 minutes impossible
- not being able to enjoy life
- all i think about is food or my ed. what on earth do other people occupy their minds with? i don’t remember anymore
- obsessed with collecting recipes, cooking for others, looking at foodporn even when i don’t touch the food myself
- making plans or wanting to go eat somewhere with or without other people but never ever going through with it
- going out anywhere gives me anxiey
- having to wear baggy things so i don’t scare people too much with how thin ive gotten so they don’t ship me off to ed rehab or something
- never getting to show off/embrace my weight loss
- don’t you dare touch my bones
- no libido or interest. i don’t even want to flirt. leave me alone.
- lying for hours just tracing my bones and wasting my life away
- losing my fertility and ability to have kids one day
- amonerrhea is actually really scary
- gross lanugo everywhere
- i don’t even have the energy to cook or eat hence i get even less energy
- binging from time to time because I’m so starved
- my ugw keeps changing to get lower and lower. its never enough. theres always something to criticize
- not being able to appreciate my weight loss because of BDD. i still see fat and feel fat where it has gone. i don’t see my body for what it really is
- insomnia
- standing at an angle difference of 0.00001 degree and wondering which angle is lying to me and in which i look fatter. the fatter one must be the real one.
- i can’t see my weight loss. its like its not there.
- uncomfortable when others point out my weight loss so i try to hide it. avoiding anyone who cares too much about my weight loss
- also sad when no one says anything about it
- not trying the cool new foods or enjoying things because I’m so determined not to bloat
- conflicted about the beach because then everyone will see just how skinny i really am and they’ll get worried and try to intervene
- realizing ive gotten dangerously close to dying of cardiac arrest or worse. wondering if I’ll wake up in the morning.
- blue nails like those of corpses
- my thick, beautiful, healthy, luscious hair fell out and I’m left few a few pathetic strands that I’m afraid to touch since even though theres almost nothing left i continue to lose hair
- osteoperosis for life & the bones of an 80 year old woman when I’m not even 20 yet
- alienating myself from everyone, including my friends
- not going out to parties etc
- panic when someone cooks for me
- purging is insanely addictive
- bloodshot eyes
- decaying yellower teeth. chewing whitening gum or whitening my teeth in some other way
- sickly protective of my ed even though i hate it because now its part of me
- I’m a lot weaker physically
- i can’t think straight, theres always a fog bc my brain isn’t getting enough calories
- short attention span
- always tired and wanting to sleep and not do anything, but insomnia kicks in so instead i lie on the bed for hours and hours and hours
- stressful shopping trips. checking every label. choosing the foid with the lowest calories, even if it tastes grosser.
- sometimes chewing pack after pack of gum or a pack of cough drops for my cold makes up my daily calorie intake and adds up to 300-400.
- refusing to take any medication for any sickness, especially cough syrup
- being sick with things like the common cold, cough & sore throat for four or five months instead of a week or two
- idek how long it would take anything more serious to pass
- stomach pains from eating and from not eating
- a genuine fear of food
- my body looking unproportional to my head and feet because its gotten so small
- whatever hair i have left is dead despite all of the treatments i put in it, the eggs i try to wash it with to give it protein, the conditioners and the hair masks and cold water rinses and the oils
- not being able to stop
- despairing because when will this all end
- depression. the only way i see out is the way i can’t take. I’m miserable.
- i hate myself for having this ED
- what is my identity without my ed? my ed is part of me!! existential crises and identity confusion
- i can do this forever, even if I’m miserable
- no i can’t i need a way out help
- but theres no one to talk to
- no one understands
- everyone stigmatizes or invalidates or ostracizes etc
- therapy? idk her
- getting mad that i finally officially “qualify for anorexia” according to the APA even though ive been anorexic for a lot longer
- oh so now all of you care when I’m dying and its too late
- oh so now you shut up and stop asking me if i really want that food
- oh so now I’m not fat anymore as you genereously repeatedly reminded me
- bitterness
- kidney failure and damage
- liver damage
- serious nutrient and vitamin deficiency
- taking supplements but who am i kidding how much can they really help when I’m this bad
- “I’m not hungry” even if i havent eaten in 6 days (I’m never fasting again though i refuse to slip into fasting/binging/purging again)
- needing to purge even after eating only 5 calories worth of zucchini
- vomit rises up even when i don’t want to vomit bc my body is so used to it
- acid reflux
- have a burned a hole in my esophagus yet?
- i hate myself
- i hate my life
- my heart shrinks
- bloating all the time even if i don’t eat
- eating/drinking water makes it even worse so i stop even doing that
- when was the last time i had a bowel movement?
- where on earth are my bones i don’t see them even though my bmi is so so low
- whats this fat on an obscure part of my body i can still grab oooh I’m still fat need to keep losing
- the camera lies
- the mirror lies
- everyone around mevis lying
- i know I’m fat i can feel it
- irritable and low tolerance for mistakes of others
- moodiness
- starving 24/7
- I’m so done i hate all of this and myself and everyone who let me get like this
- still no one validates me or takes me seriously
- nasty variations on “oh yeah she lost so much weight so quickly i think she’s anorexic” whispers behind my back. its not envy. ive become a freak to them. to the world.
- tears slipping out & numbness. not the romantic kind but of pure sadness and despair and inner agony.
stanneoctchinaline